| Hacker Diet update week 52 - 1 Year!
Current mood:  confused
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes Has it been a year?
Holy crap.
Lot's of things come and gone in a year. want some charts? check it
120 Lbs. Gone. That's a lot. 2.34 pounds lost per week avg. But in reality if we look at the six month lb/week average it's only 1.08. which means I lost a whole lot more weight in the beginning than I did in the second half of the year. And it's very noticeable. Unfortunately I don't have a yearly graph ATM, but if I did you would see that mid March, my down ward trend line, which was very Line-like, hardly no ripples, and very steady, shifted to a more shallow angle, and since then has been fairly steady.
So I ask myself, what happened in March.... Well I did get that dizziness thing in the middle of february that caused me to stop exercising for a good 4 months, and I guess maybe because I had a bad girl experience too...
Who knows... the thing is it happened, and that's that.
Now, on to a more non-self-centered type topic. I've blogged about some of the bad things that can happen while dieting, but there is one that I've only realized in the last month, but it is something that had started to affect me since... sheesh.. Late November? early December?...
What, in you, would you identify as uniquely you. You have curly Hair? or are you the one with big boobs? or maybe you're the one with the cool car, or the funny laugh. Something that if your friends had to say one thing about you, they'd say this. Good or bad. Maybe you're the annoying one? or the one that always has to have the last word? whatever...
This is how you've come to accept yourself. It's part of your psyche. Part of your identity.
Now imagine losing that. Just take it away.
Take a second to think about it. I'll be here when you come back from the short daydream.
Back? ok. Pretty scary shit. Even if it's something bad, it's you. and you're not you without it. So then who are you?
Think about this. I was 28 Years old. I weighed ~350 pounds. I've weighed over 300 since high school. I've always been "The fat kid." Always the heaviest, always the one who caused the lap bar on the roller coaster to not lock.
Now that I'm not the fat kid, who am I?
This existential meltdown has been affecting me since before last christmas, and has caused me to make some very bad decisions about what I thought I did and did not want. Not all of my decision were bad, but a lot of them were. 
It's still affecting me BTW, but since I've been able to identify it, I've started to come to grips with it. Starting to rebuild my identity with what I have left. But it's a lonely road. Your self image is something that develops over years, and to suddenly have to start from near scratch again isn't a simple thing to do.
Had I lost the weight gradually, over the course of four years... or whatever, it would have been a slower more easily manageable difference, and I might not even have noticed my shift in self image. But the sudden loss is truly something that can shake someone to the core.
I suppose I can be thankful that what I lost was a bad thing, and that I am healthier now. I feel especially sorry for people that lose good things. I can't imagine how they keep from going insane. I know I've toyed with that particular concept from time to time over the last few months...
Am I telling you not to lose weight? no. I'm trying to relay my experience to help prepare anyone else that may be going down this road.
I dont' like that the what you're listening to can't allow you to choose a specific song.Anyway I'm listening to Dark Lady.
:hugs:
-allenkll
 | Currently listening :
Half Breed/Dark Lady
By Cher
Release date: By 16 August, 1999 | 7:31 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - |
.jpg)
