Therapeutic ramblings

I think I may have figured something out. I've been a bit depressed these last few months, and maybe just now, I'm starting to understand some of the reasons. Why do I put them here for the world to see? Maybe I believe if I tell someone, that it'll be easier to deal with. Hell, therepists get paid big money for that. This is free.

Anyway. I've always been instilled, from my parents, with a strong work ethic. This over the course of my life has created a few things, some good and some bad. I am very successful, considering who I am, and where I came from. I am, or should I say, "up until recently have been," defined by my work. I have always defined my life's happiness by how well I am doing at work. The rest of my life has always taken a back seat to work. My Love life, my health, my friends, schooling.... All of it always coming in second or so.

I am not happy with my work anymore. I'm not happy with what I'm doing, nor how I am doing it. I take no joy in the day to day activities of work anymore. And this I believe is part of the cause, and part of the effect, of my current mental state.

I loved the work at RIVA. Not the management, but the work itself was so wonderful and fulfilling. Every day I was pushing the boundries of technology, and was able to control entire projects from one end to the other - to really own it, and to take pride in my accomplishments. I have none of that anymore. And it is a loss that I simply cannot deal with.

Normally when one part of a persons life goes bad, they put more into other parts to try to make up for the loss of joy in the one. But what else do I have? I have no family. The devils are losing. My hobbies no longer challenge me. School is confounding me. I feel that all my skills are getting rusty, and my brain is cobwebbing over, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

And the worst part of it is the fact that I created the situation I am in. I didn't do it to punish myself, it's just the end result of my short sightedness.

Recently a friend skipped out on some plans to go to paris last minute. I don't blame the friend. I wish him well. But I thought to myself, would I do that? Could I just up and at the last minute go to Paris? I'm not sure. I say to people, no. Could I in reality? yes. Would I enjoy it? I don'tt know. I've never really been excited by travel. ANd I wonder why on that too. Almost everyone else I know wants to go somewhere, where I don't have that desire. Is it simply repressed? Do I fear change? Do I fear the unknown? I don't know.

So where does this all lead? nowhere. But at least I didn't have to pay $80 an hour for it.

AK out.